Setting limits....saying No....feeling better.

 

 If there is one thing that I have learned recently it is that I have to slow down.  No not while driving a car, that would take a whole other post to talk about, but to limit what I expect from myself and even what other people expect from me.  Before I got ill I was a constantly on the go.  Running my kids around, helping out at school functions, driving them to sports, team mom, room mother, volunteering at church, cooking, cleaning, and even working full time in management.  WOW! Looking back I wonder how I ever did it.  Was I younger or just crazy?  Did I really, once upon a time, feel good enough to do all of that in a day?  Does anyone really feel good enough to do all that in a day?  The answer, at least for me, was yes.  I love to be busy.  I love to feel useful.  I love to help people and make life easier for those around me.

I am lucky...I know I say that a lot but it's true.  Dysautonomia didn't decide to rear it's ugly head until my kids were grown and all the craziness of raising a family had passed.  This was finally mine and Wil's time to just enjoy each other, traveling, playing with our grand kids, basically whatever we wanted to do.  Unfortunately life threw us a curve ball and all that changed.  What I had to do was learn to change with it and that has been hard for me.  I don't want to slow down, I don't want to stop working, I want to be out and participating in life, I want to do all those things I did before...but I can't.

Slowing down and finding my limitations has finally come to the forefront in my life and that is hard.  I love being out there helping people.  I am a helper not a helpee (I know not a word but I like it).  I don't want to depend on people, friends, family or Wil, I want them to beable to depend on me.  I want to be there for them when they need me and make their lives easier.  That has always been when I felt the happiest, when I was giving of myself to others.  I am not good at asking for help, I am not good at saying no to people, especially if they need help and I am definitely not good at depending on people,

but I guess it is time to learn how.

Today was the first time I have ever said "No." to someone and it broke my heart.  I was suppose to take my father-in-law to the doctor.  I always go with him because he has trouble remembering things and he depends on me to help him remember what the doctor says, to remind him what he wants to ask or tell the doctor and to set up his next appointment and remind him when it is time to go.  There was just no way I could do it.  I am still not feeling good enough to do anything but stay in bed or lay on the couch.  When I called him and told him I knew he was disappointed.  He didn't even remember how to get to the doctors office.  I gave him directions and I think he will be okay but I just feel awful about it. 

It's time to start asking for help when I need it, to say no when I am not feeling well enough to do things for people and to stop when I am at my limit, another thing that I am not good at doing.  I am an adrenaline junkie.  I think that is how I made it through so many years of having POTS but not letting it slow me down.  I knew that if I just pushed myself the adrenaline would kick in and I could keep going.  It was when I finally stopped that I would pay the price.  The term "crash and burn" doesn't even begin to describe what would happen to my body when I finally gave in.  Once whatever was going on got resolved the adrenaline that had kept me going wore off and I would realize just how much I had over done it.  At first I could go for months living on an adrenaline rush while handling one family crisis after another.  If you know my family's story you would know there have been a lot of crisis', once again that's a whole other post.  Eventually though ignoring the fact that I was actually ill and running strictly on adrenaline would catch up to me and I would be in bed for weeks.  However, like the song says, "I get knocked down, but I get up again" and off I went to deal with the next crisis. 

I can't do that anymore and it has pretty much taken these past two weeks of my health being really bad to realize it.  I need to slow down, I need to set limits and acknowledge that I can no longer do all the things I use to do, at least not all in one day.  Running on adrenaline is not doing me or my health any good.  I am ill and I have to start accepting it.  My body has finally said, "Enough" and it's time for me to listen.  So I will do my best to slow down.  I will retrain my way of thinking and choose one thing that needs to be done each day and do it, the rest will be there tomorrow..........